Today's blog is a little more meme-like. I'll be writing about the kinds of writers I encountered over the course of writing for web-fiction platforms in the last 3-4 years. Not all of them are great but it's something that every e-fiction writer will encounter if they stick to it long enough.
Patreons to credit: -This could be you. Join now.-
#1: The Godly Typist
If you think you're doing good at 20wpm, this godly typist will be your most formidable rival in any writing sprints. They surpass the speed of 60wpm without difficulty and it sometimes makes you wonder if they're secretly a printer.
Unless there is evidence of their typing speed, always assume that the godly typist is a printer. Honestly, I don't know how anyone can reach speeds of over 100wpm.
#2: Grammar Nazi
Remember the English teacher back in Grade 2 that nobody liked because she would always correct you for using the improper subject-verb agreement in speech? Yes, the Grammar Nazi writer is the kind of person who would correct your chat messages on discord even if nobody cares.
#3: The Baby
Most of these 'writers' have only written compositions or essays for their school homework. Plot? Pacing? Foreshadowing? They've probably never heard of it. In fact, they were only a writer since yesterday!
#4: Toxic Trash
Sometimes, you'll meet these people who could only talk bad about everyone else because that's what makes them the happiest. Nobody else is deserving of success because they suck and it's their fault they were born ugly. Oh yeah, the part about you receiving an unfair and brainless hate comment? It's probably because you deserved it too for being such an underdeveloped feutus.
In short, they're the kind of people society would do better without.
#5: Businessman / Businesswoman
Not to judge them but these writers are here for one and only one purpose - to make money. It doesn't matter what they write, if someone will pay for it then it becomes their mission to write it. Oh, did I mention that if they couldn't write it, they would hire someone else to write it?
"Did you know, I had a dream last night about a fantastic galactic war incorporating fruit-human hybrids! I think it would be such a best-seller!"
*Inserts eye roll here because you know they won't ever be writing it*
Yeah, I think we know where this is going. Dreamer writers often dream up fantastic ideas that never ever get turned into inked words. They're often so busy dreaming up new books that they don't have enough time to write them.
"What time is it? Two hours before midnight? Oh well, I guess that's an hour more to play Minecraft before I need to write my chapter."
It sometimes surprises me that people could 'wait' to write a chapter and won't do it until they absolutely must but these writers are often dubbed the Procrastinator. Much like how students view homework as a chore, these writers don't find passion in their work until retribution finds them first.
#8: The Dropper
"Hey! I've just got this really awesome idea that I started. Want to read my first chapter?"
"Uh... sure? How about the last book that you started? Have you finished it?"
"Oh, that? Ha! That was two weeks ago. I've already moved on from it. It wasn't good and I ran out of ideas to continue it so I"m dropping it. It's marked hiatus for now. Maybe I'll come back to it in 7 years if I remember. So what do you think of this new story?"
The Dropper is a writer with commitment issues more often than not. They love starting stories but have never gotten to the end o any stories they started. Better stick to writing short stories or one-shots then!
Sometimes you follow your favourite authors on Instagram but 9/10 times, you see that instead of a full page of words, they are uploading pictures of paper cuts, bruises and bandages on their stories.
Can you relate? I'm actually not very surprised for someone guilty of that. I've never succeeded in my 7-day Injury-free Challenge and I doubt I ever will. Just call the ambulance, will you? This writer is fragile.
#10: English Is Not My First Language
When writing on such a global platform, it's not surprising to meet people from different countries. English is not their first language and sometimes not even their second. I'm just so amazed by these people but it's heart-warming to think that they would struggle so hard to be better at the language.
#11: Sprint Farmer
This is one of my favourite writers because I like the idea of working or writing alongside someone else in sprints. Even if all they do is join with edits for the XP boost, it makes me feel more productive knowing that I gained some virtual XP while watching anime instead of writing for the last 20 minutes. Oops?
#12: Misunderstood One
"No, you don't understand..." is the Misunderstood One's favourite line as they try to clarify exactly what they meant. Yes, the misunderstood one is special. They are usually so special that eventually, nobody talks to them and they're left wondering why all their friends disappear.
It's usually easy to forget their names because they rarely show up! When they do, you're better off not expecting a reply because they'll simply go to hiding back again. Lurker writers prefer to read and judge silently in your server because they're too shy to exist. They hardly respond to pings but if you slide into their DMs, they might just talk.
#14: Chats More Than Writes
Sometimes, it's very difficult to picture these writers writing. They type more than five thousand words a day but their page remains blank most of the time. It's also very difficult to imagine them as an introvert from the sheer speed of how their messages flash across the screen. Each time you take a break from sprints, they would have written five hundred words and 1,678 messages unread in the discord channel. The Chat More Than Writes Writer is the kind of writer who invested more skill points in communication than productivity. A fun pal to party around but remember to mute them during sprints.
#15: More Blocks Than Words Writer
Ah, the discord status is back to some emo quotes? Let's check on them... or not!
The More Blocks than Words Writer is someone who doesn't know how to write their own story because they always never have any ideas about how to continue the next chapter. You need to constantly water them with ideas or they might end up like the Sahara where nothing is alive. Better yet, maybe they should reconsider their career choice as a writer?
#16: Competition Crasher
"Holy crap! The grand prize for the new competition is USD10,000? I have 6 unfinished stories but you know what? Sign me right up!"
You know who you are. Whenever there is a word competition, you become drawn to it like a moth to candlelight even if you know you're just going to crash and burn. Competition Crashers are known to never say no to any writing competitions, especially if the prize money is involved. They're big dreamers and often bite off more than they can chew.
#17: Spite Fuelled
Breakups? Bullies? Abusive parents? Hell yeah!
Spite fuelled writers love writing about these the most because it's exactly how it's like in their life except, they're powerless to do anything about it in reality. So why not take revenge in fiction? Spite fuelled writers often channel those negative energy into their works often in violent manners, contradicting their meek and nice real-life personalities.
#18: Smut Merchant
Everyone is a pervert and nobody knows this better than the smut merchant. If you have a fantasy, they know how to sell it.
Up against the wall? In the backseat of the car? Under a freezing waterfall that might get you pneumonia? Heck, even illegal things like sleeping with your sister... the smut merchant writer doesn't discriminate.
#19: Filler Flexer
When it comes to increasing the number of word counts without a proper plot, this filler flexer is a pro amongst pros!
How to write a 2,000 word chapter without moving the progress of the story forward? Insert fillers!
How to upload for a mass release? More fillers!
Oh, is that 2 days worth of chapters short of my bonus completion program? I'll just add more fillers!
For the filler flexer, the quantity is always more important than the quality.
Oh yes, these writers are famous! However, it might not be for their works. It's quite the opposite. You might have seen them somewhere on TV, Youtube, Instagram or advertisements before you read their books. Heck, you didn't know they wrote books at all in the first place.
Influencer writers are writers who sell with their faces and smiles more than their words. Actually, are those even their words? It's hard to tell but you just can't help but buy their books because you're a hopeless simp, admit it!
In every story, there's always the main character. In real life, it's hard to find a main character because everyone is a main character until this Protagonist Writer shows up. They're the full-package of money, looks, talent and you wonder why a potato like you decided to become a writer.
Of course, there are many more writers so this list isn't comprehensive but I think I've chosen all the fun ones to talk about. If I come across more I might make a part 2 list!
Let me know in the comments the kind of writers you met but aren't listed here yet! Also, feel free to label yourself. I'm definitely #999: The Aitsuji.