After getting misdiagnosed for years, I can't tell you how glad I am to find the therapist I am seeing now. The following can be emotionally draining or triggering to read, so please proceed at your own risk. It's all written based on my experience and life. This is about me, not you.
Patreons to credit: -This could be you. Join now.-
That meme described me and my therapy relationship. I didn't trust it for many years because all those so-called 'therapists' were only there to make you feel like human garbage because they get a kick out of seeing people screw themselves over and come back to them with money and an ego boost. I can't tell you how many times I'd been classified as a 'borderline psychopath or sociopath' by these 'experts' and here's why.
Firstly, although unofficially tested, this therapist I met through my mother finally hinted at my suspected unusual intellectual capacity. Going by his words of 1 in 125,000 people, that would automatically put me in less than the top 1% of humanity in terms of intelligence. The percentile that I estimated previously without official tests was 140. Now, that number is closer to 160. Remember the book I wrote Love Journal - As Told By An Emotionally Constipated Half-Genius? Yeah, make that actual genius now. Does knowing that I can easily make it into MENSA change anything? No. I'm still as miserable as before, and life is still pretty fucked up. If anything, it makes it worse knowing that I was right the whole time about my parents fucking me over as a child and my developmental progress at my peak.
Therapy didn't make me feel better, but it made me more aware and slightly more understood. Thanks to this therapist, I could accept myself more and confirm that all the struggles I put up with for the past decade weren't in vain. It wasn't a wrong decision, even if I had to kill myself and reinvent my identity to get to where I am. He made me understand that living in 'survival mode' and not trusting anything because of how inconsistent life had treated me wasn't my fault. It was simply an unfortunate side effect, and my memory loss of the abuse in the past is only temporary. Time won't heal all wounds, but it will make us stronger and more capable of dealing with what our weaker past selves could not handle.
Most of you reading this blog should know by now how I've been diversifying my content creation from mere books to other mediums such as live streams and blogging. Some of you know that I also do music from time to time, and that's the very reason that landed me in therapy again after ten years. Opening my heart to recall all my traumatic events to record a song put me in a suicidal mode (the song is in the video below). Although I'm in a much better state now, there is no guarantee I won't fall back into the abyss, diving into music and revisiting the darkest places in my heart. My therapist advised me to disassociate from the task and not take on emotions personally because I'm an expert at immersing in a false reality for all my creations. However, this is likely where we would disagree. He is a therapist, and I am an inventor. Science and art will always have their disagreements. Yet, I'm grateful to have met this man. He's currently in the hospital getting treated for cancer at its final stage and refuses to charge my mother or me for any therapy session. His name is Jim Bek, and he is blind.
As I write this blog, I don't know how many more opportunities I will get to see Mr. Jim Bek. However, I'm glad fate made it possible for us to meet. Thanks to my therapist, I was able to resolve many unanswered questions for years. Although Mr. Jim Bek isn't almighty and doesn't know everything in the world, I constantly look forward to listening to his stories and experiences. You have no idea how interesting the world is in the shoes of a blind man until you talk to one. Despite all the unfortunate things that happened to him and the prejudices of society stacked against his case, Mr. Jim Bek is the walking example of someone who kept his optimism and hopes alive without losing heart.
If there was one thing I regret, it's not living up to his expectations LMFAO because he is the only person whom I've met to have such ridiculously high expectations of me in life, claiming that I've not lived to the fullest of my potential despite all the seemingly 'impossible' accomplishments I've accomplished thus far in the eyes of others.
Presently, my homework is to improve my health and prioritise self-care because I've neglected it too much. For the sake of my students, fans and readers, I will attempt to live a longer life so I can continue giving back to the community and creating the things you love!
This is Destiny Aitsuji | Chibigail, signing off! Thank you for sharing this journey with me.